'Tis the Season for an abundance of food, shopping, parties, decorating, church productions, nativities, and you can fill in your favorite holiday event. I'd like to say I'm excited but I have an ache in the pit of my stomach that is telling me that this year's holiday season quite possilbly may prove to be different for this family. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick".The reality is everyday I am torn between what I want for myself, what I see in my neighborhood, and what we need. Lately the needs have overshadowed my mind and taken over my thought process. What I need takes precedent for me over the needs of others. Some of our needs are legitimate, and others are more like wants. This has been such a long year for this family - financially and emotionally.
I won't sugar coat what I've been feeling. I have been so depressed over our families situation this season that I have not been able to live with joy. I have barely been able to live at all. The noise of all that I wish I could do this season has been much louder than anything good that is going on in my life. I fear that my depreessive state as been passed on to other of my family members. But........
I think I've finished having my tantrum over all the things I wish were different this year. I am still sad that I can't run to the store and get what I want for my kids, or that I have to re-think how the material part of Christmas is going to happen for our family. (After spending the day at the Maine Mall yesterday I'm a little glad I was broke - that took chaos and noise to an all new level. I almost had a panic attack.) The reality is we have never been able to run to the store and get whatever we wanted anyways, but God has always provided for our needs and sometimes our wants in His perfect time.
So now the noise in my head isn't putting blame on everyone else for my life, the noise in my head isn't telling me I'm worthless if I can't provide an abudance of gifts under the tree....I've picked myself up off my pillow, put on my "big girl panties" and have decided to rejoice in the Gift of Salvation that has been offered to all of us through the gift of the baby Jesus.
This year we get to celebrate Christmas with a very special young lady who is going through some very hard things in her life. She came to live with us the first week of November. I felt as though God was going to give us a break from house guests for a while but I guess two months was enough. (we've had guests for 8 months out of the last year) I am so glad that she is with us. She is a pleasure and tries to keep her head up in the middle of her personal battles. She is always thinking of others. Just a great young woman. I am excited to see what God has for her and priveleged she is allowing us to walk with her through her difficult journey right now.
Last Sunday we got our Christmas tree, this was the beginning of the end of my holiday depression. Something about seeing our family plus one that has not ever had a tree go cut one down just wiped all the ignorant thinking away. We have so much, even on our worse day we have more than most people and family cannot be traded for the world. I am richly blessed.
Eph. 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing the heavenly places in Christ.
