The Noise of the Season

'Tis the Season for an abundance of food, shopping, parties, decorating, church productions, nativities, and you can fill in your favorite holiday event.    I'd like to say I'm excited but I have an ache in the pit of my stomach that is telling me that this year's holiday season quite possilbly may prove to be different for this family.  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick".

The reality is everyday I am torn between what I want for myself, what I see in my neighborhood, and what we need.  Lately the needs have overshadowed my mind and taken over my thought process.   What I  need takes precedent for me over the needs of others.  Some of our needs are legitimate, and others are more like wants.    This has been such a long year for this family - financially and emotionally.

I won't sugar coat what I've been feeling.  I have been so depressed over our families situation this season that I have not been able to live with joy.   I have barely been able to live at all.  The noise of all that I wish I could do this season has been much louder than anything good that is going on in my life. I fear that my depreessive state as been passed on to other of my family members.   But........


I think I've finished having my tantrum over all the things I wish were different this year.  I am still sad that I can't run to the store and get what I want for my kids,  or that I have to re-think how the material part of Christmas is going to happen for our family.   (After spending the day at the Maine Mall yesterday I'm a little glad I was broke - that took chaos and noise to an all new level.  I almost had a panic attack.)  The reality is we have never been able to run to the store and get whatever we wanted anyways, but God has always provided for our needs and sometimes our wants in His perfect time.

So now the noise in my head isn't putting blame on everyone else for my life, the noise in my head isn't telling me I'm worthless if I can't provide an abudance of gifts under the tree....I've picked myself up off my pillow, put on my "big girl panties" and have decided to rejoice in the Gift of Salvation that has been offered to all of us through the gift of the baby Jesus.

This year we get to celebrate Christmas with a very special young lady who is going through some very hard things in her life.  She came to live with us the first week of November.  I felt as though God was going to give us a break from house guests for a while but I guess two months was enough. (we've had guests for 8 months out of the last year)  I am so glad that she is with us.  She is a pleasure and tries to keep her head up in the middle of her personal battles.  She is always thinking of others.   Just a great young woman.  I am excited to see what God has for her and priveleged she is allowing us to walk with her through her difficult journey right now.

Last Sunday we got our Christmas tree, this was the beginning of the end of my holiday depression.  Something about seeing our family plus one that has not ever had a tree go cut one down just wiped all the ignorant thinking away.  We have so much, even on our worse day we have more than most people and family cannot be traded for the world.  I am richly blessed.

Eph. 1:3  Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing the heavenly places in Christ. 

Prejudice

view from my front porch

I'm prejudiced.  There, I got that off my chest.   I made that confession at dinner this evening in front of my family.

Not the same kind of prejudice one conjures up in their mind.  Not racial prejudice.    Let me expound,   we are having company this weekend for dinner.   Not the kind of company I'm used to having.  This company are "real" people.  The kind of people I used to hang out with you know...before we lost our our house, businesses, and church leadership status.

I'm a little nervous to have an average family here for dinner.  What will they think of our crazy family, house, life, and the three dogs.   What about all the trash laying around the street, and yard.   It is much easier to converse with my neighbors, they think my house is beautiful, they don't seem to notice my unfinished stairs, or holes in my floor, or plywood countertops that I repaint frequently as a part of my deep cleaning ritual, or the porch with all the flaking lead paint that is falling apart.  I actually look at my neighbors apartments and think, wow, these are really nice big comfortable apartments.   They are trimmed out, no holes, windows work,  what more could a person ask for.   As for my place, I try to keep up with the dirt and organization but the truth is,  my kids, the neighbor kids, the dogs, and laundry take precedent over everything else.  Oh well.

Status quo is a state of mind I guess.

So yeah, I'm a bit jaded.   I've been rejected a little.  I've felt cast aside a little.  I know some would say it was my own doing.   But in all honesty, it has been the "real" people, the people that I used to be, that I have a hard time hanging out with, a hard time relating to and maybe a hard time forgiving.   I used to be a "real" person.  Now unfortunately my address in Lewiston has defined my status quo and made me feel like a not so "real" person anymore.   I know better than anyone that we are all real people, that status, place in society, church position, or how much welfare one receives doesn't affect whether you are "real".  (but this after all, is my personal thought process_

You see, I don't want to be somebody's project.  I want to be somebody's friend.   I don't want people to come over and feel sorry for our situation, I want to enjoy the company that only comes when those who believe in Jesus fellowship together.  It can be so sweet.

I really am looking forward to spending some time with this family tomorrow.  I really like them and appreciate all they do, and their heart for Lewiston. They are truly a wonderful family.

We are having hamburgers and chips.  They are bringing dessert.  Should be easy and fun.

Woman at the well ...

So, if you've followed any of this crazy story than you may have gotten that I have a neighbor that I really like who has 5 kids, 4 of whom come over after school for homework help.  If you've followed this throughout the last couple years than you know that my neighbor lost her sister to AIDS and that her biological mom was at least in part somewhat responsible, if only because she was a very neglectful parent and probably even worse than that.   Which leads me to my story today.

We finally got some money in our checking account today and I was able to buy some fun stuff at Family Dollar. You know, things like dish soap, a curtain rod for Justin's room/laundry room/ wanna be study room,  a bag of cheetos and some chocolate covered almonds (Kiana and I were a little hungry. Guess who chose the Cheetos, it wasn't Kiana!)  As we were shopping at Family Dollar I heard a familiar voice and started ducking down aisles.  I know you've done it before,  that moment when you are deciding to face a person head on or go the opposite way.   I've darted away many times myself, I've also been the subject of the quick getaway.  I decided to face it head on and hope it was going to last too long.    So I said it...."Hi K..."   She is the bio mom who had 5 children and raised one of them - the youngest.  Her kids are ages 15 - 28.  The 15 year old has a baby girl and rumor has it #2 is on the way.  The 28 yr. old is my friend and the oldest child who would have been 30 died last summer.  

I had a quick conversation with "K" and it ended much the same way as my many conversations have ended with her as of late......"Well, my husband will be here in 28 days and then well.....He's Muslim you know"   "Yes, you told me that. Did you convert?", I ask.   "Yeah, I converted to Muslim,  I have my head covering and  I got all them dresses."   I happen to know the head covering today was just to cover the fact she didn't do her hair.   She was wearing jeans.  Two days ago I saw her wearing her curly hair and crazy print leggings.   And last week she was wearing her straight hair....  And,  don't you convert to Islam not Muslim?  Anyways, I divert.  We do have interesting neighbors.

Later I was thinking about our conversations.  Jesus spoke to the woman at the well rather directly and it almost reads harsh.  He didn't sugar coat his words, or play to her game.  He told her what was going on and she respected that, not only respected but liked it.  She told her neighbors.    I was thinking what if I would have said  "Your husband isn't coming in 28 days, you've been telling me that for the last 150 days. As a matter of  fact, you don't have a husband. You know, Jesus wants you to come just like you are?" 

Jesus wants all of us to come like we are but he loves us to much to let us stay that way.  That's a message my daughter heard at summer camp.  I like it.   Why are we so scared to tell people the truth.  We are happy when they come like they are but we shake in our boots when it comes to the hard work of helping someone move forward in their walk with Jesus. Speaking the truth just doesn't make people feel warm and fuzzy.

 The reality is we were all the woman at the well at some point.  Some of us have gone on to tell our neighbors and some of us are still stuck at the well thinking about it.  

"K" professed to be a believer a while back.  But I think she is still stuck at the well.  Paralyzed to move forward. To own her sins, her behaviors, her addictions.   The truth is, if I was her, I'm not sure I would be brave enough to face my "real" life.   Pray for "K" and her family that is  broken and trying to heal, grow, and make better choices.

Do Relationship Well!

For me to live is Christ but to die is gain........

Just a side note, nothing about this post is to pat myself on the back.  I know better than anyone how far reaching the goal I am.  But, from my own experience I would like to show you how I/we try to do relationship well.

I am really sick today.  That kind of "ick" that goes right into your bones.  I woke up this morning only wanting to sleep, not wanting to talk to anyone, not wanting to make Curtis' lunch, not wanting to help Renee find a sweater or some sort of warm clothing, not wanting to play with Kiana or drive Anaya to school in that God - forsaken truck where the brakes are failing and my foot can hardly push the clutch to the floor, certainly not wanting to open the door for my neighbor kids who needed their backpacks for school and absolutely not wanting to spend the morning with my neighbor drinking coffee and volunteering to help her get phone turned back on so she could see if she is going to be able to get that great job that is going to offer her a $1 more an hour than McDonalds, pretty much not for anything....  But I have come to realize in my short 43 years of life that this is not God's plan for me.  For when I am weak he is strong... so cliche.  Almost undoubtedly every time when I am so tired all I can think about is bed-the phone rings and someone needs me (or God), when I am sick or at my emotional weakest-I get a knock at my door.   In today's case my neighbor came over with her 2 year old daughter.  It is a given, when I feel as though I can't do my day, I get a day makeover from God.

Curtis and I are always evaluating and reevaluating or mission here in downtown Lewiston.  This last month in particular we have been seeking advice and guidance from those we feel God is using in our life for one reason or another.   Recently we asked a local pastor and his wife what they saw as our mission here downtown as we were feeling like maybe we had missed the mark. And, much to our surprise they both said "Relationship, you do relationship well. "     They also said, churches today struggle with doing relationship.   Maybe we can help with that, maybe not, but we are willing to give it a try with their church first if it works out.

I think real relationship is hard to do.  It requires an openness and transparency that can only come when you are confident enough that God has your back.  It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you, because God has it in his control.  I learned this during our time of losing our home, businesses and yes...friends.   Friends that found it hard to be close during our hard time.   Like today for instance, I didn't want to help my neighbor with her phone problem because I was already having money problems of my own. (even though she had the money to pay me back. I didn't want to face my debit card not working) Not because we are not careful but because the person Curtis' worked for over the summer decided he didn't want to pay us in a reasonable amount of time.  We are stilled owed for work done in July.  I feel like this is where God wants us, it helps me relate to the people around me for some strange reason, I can talk about my money problems and my neighbors can talk about theirs. Transparency and Relationship need to feel safe.  Safe, because I know God is taking care of  me and for my neighbor, safe, because she knows I am a real person struggling with the same things as her.  It makes her comfortable to be open and transparent with me.   

As far as time is concerned, just face you don't have enough time to have relationships with the people with whom God has for you, you don't even have enough time to take care of your own kids and get your housework done.   Get over it now, cry in your pillow or whatever you need to do because your time is not yours anyways, it's God's.  You don't need to decide when you get your quiet time, your Sabbath, or your family time.  It's not yours.   I have tried hard to make my Sabbath, my family time, and my quiet time to include God and what he has for me.   I think if you were to ask my neighbor she would tell you she has never been turned away from my door (and I have from hers), her children have never been turned away from my home, and I have never said.."now, is not a good time.  I'll call you when I get back from the store, or the game, or (you fill in the blank).   And, just a side note, I am as great an introvert as you will ever meet in your life.  If I can do it, anyone can.

Here is what my day today looked like and will look like...
7am - Curtis woke me up (I'm sick and grumpy)
7:15 - 7:30  Help Renee find what she needs, get the little girls going for the day, find some random gas money for Curtis....
7:30-8:30 talk to my neighbor's kids, get breakfast for littles, help them get ready for school, drive them to school in that awful truck.
8:30 - 9 get home, clean kitchen, blow my nose 10 thousand times
9 - 12  visit with my neighbor, talk about her family, listen to her argue with the phone company and talk to prospective employment opportunities, talk more about her family, teach some couponing, talk about her kids's education, and hopefully speak into her life in the midst of all this about God's love for her.
Now I'm blogging and soon it will be time to get kids from school.
At 3:30pm my neighbors four kids will be coming over for 1.5 hours for homework help. 
We are also hopefully helping their mom get her GED.
And all you out there know how hard life gets while trying to make dinner.   And tomorrow I will do it all over again although it may look a bit different. 


And just remember, some day you will want someone to have the time for you when you need it.  Don't just make time for relationship make relationship your time.  We have eternity to rejoice and play make your time on earth count.

Lala, one of my neighbors kids, doing her after school reading with Curtis. 

Paying Attention

I pride myself in paying attention.  I remember stupid little details that are insignificant, and some significant.

Today was a good day.  I was able to spend time with my neighbor.  She has been looking for a job and I took her to an interview today and than the store.  It was nice to hang out with her for a bit.  I love her kids, they are so much fun.  Four of her five kids come over every day after school for homework help and we are hoping to do some projects with them.   The neighborhood elementary school is rough at best.  The kids lack the attention they need to learn due to the many issues the school faces mostly because of our demographic ie.. immigrants, poverty, parents without adequate education, lack of food, drugs and the list goes on....

I took this picture from my front porch last spring.  Somewhere around the tree
on the left side of this photo is where it happened. 

Which brings me to my lack of paying attention today.  My older girls get home from school around 2:15pm and I pick up Anaya at 3:00pm.  The older girls sometimes walk but I think that will not be happening anymore.  The neighbor kids come over around 3:30pm and stay until 5 "ish".   A little after 4pm this afternoon I heard a commotion across the street in the local dog and cat toilet, trash collection area for the end of the street,  the Colisee's own personal parking lot cleaning disposal, just yesterday a man in a truck used it for a urinal, and it's also been known for a "quickie" for some paying adults.   (we are also guilty of throwing our dog stuff on this piece of land)  It's a triangular lot, 1/16th of an acre at best. This piece of land is owned by an old man who wants way too much money for it and basically know one cleans it up.  Around 6pm while I was getting dinner on the table, (it was tacos tonight- and 6pm for dinner is pretty good for our family on a Friday night), two cops showed up looking all through that piece of land with flashlights.  I started praying they would find what they were looking for, they didn't.  This time they were free to share what they were looking for and would have loved to get a small piece of information - Who was the woman that gave the girl the pair of pants after she was raped this afternoon a little after 4?  I wanted to vomit in that moment.  I was home.  I heard something and just figured it was the other neighbor kids playing.   I am usually so much nosier than that.    What if I would have left the comfort of my house to check it out?  I know it's not my fault but I feel as though I failed today.

The need is great in our city, and unfortunately this story is not a new one.  I pray that God will allow justice to move quickly for this girl and she will get the help she needs.

Verge

"Verge"....that word has been running through my brain the last few weeks.  When I think of my life, that word sums it up.  I feel like I'm always on the verge of something.

Verge:  The point beyond which an action, state, or condition is likely to begin or occur; the brink.  As a family we are at any given point in our life almost at something.  I'm almost caught up with laundry, we are almost caught up on our bills, almost ready to start a project in our home, on the brink of completing another project, feeling like things are about to take off with ministry in our community.

Almost....on the verge.... at the brink.....but mostly we feel as though we are on the edge.   Which somedays makes us feel "on edge".

Last spring while we had our house guest plus two,  I spent so many hours on my face asking God to do these amazing things and He did.  When things got so bad that all I could do was find a quiet place to pour out my soul, He listened and answered, sometimes immediately.    In those moments I felt like I was not on the brink,  the verge.  I felt like I was there, I had somehow crossed the proverbial line. God had it and we were a team.  Also, in that moment comes this overwhelming feeling of closeness with God that I can only take for a short period and then I am back again to being on the edge once more.  Those feelings were gone almost as quickly as they were felt.  But, in any case, they were felt.  There is hope.   I can say that I have had moments when I didn't feel like I was just on the edge, I was really experiencing God's presence.  

So, I guess what I am trying to say in a not so eloquent manner is that even in the moments of everyday life feeling like we are stuck waiting, "being on the verge of something big" ,  we can still experience the move and flow of life, God's presence, God's time, and also God's answers, and realize we are really not stuck on the brink - we may just be walking a bit slower than we'd like.

House progress

Thought I'd update a picture of the back of the house. We just finished siding it, and completing the 2nd floor enclosed porch. It looks awesome I must say.  We spent the winter finishing insulating the exterior walls with a foam board type insulation, and got a boost with the siding project from our insurance company.  (they were going to cancel our homeowners policy)   The enclosed sunporch on the 2nd floor is a nice addition especially since my kids just got me an early birthday present - a rottie puppy.

to remind you all of what the back of the house used to look like....

the shed will be the next thing to get sided.  But I believe the next big undertaking is going to be getting the girls room done.   Our plan for the house is a side a year.  Three more years to go and then I'm sure it will need to be repainted.

God gives the Increase

The purpose of this blog was to write about our life living missional in our city.  I have found myself not writing because the discouragement that has come from this life in the past year had not been easy to write about. 

Last October after much discussion with the family of taking in homeless youth we attended a conference on "Experiencing God" with Henry Blackaby.  This was not anything new to us.  We had done this in the past a few times but this time wanted to include the family and some neighbors.  The Monday after the conference I got a call from a friend in social services and DHS was looking to place a 14 yr. old boy in our home.  It was an "emergency" situation.   When they say they give you all the disclosures...it's not full disclosure, it's more like on a need to know basis.  He stayed with us for one month, and it was not easy.   On the final day I called two of my friends for moral support and advice and instead got the opposite.   Our friendships have not felt the same since. 

Last February I received a phone call at 8pm from a young teen mom with two little girls that she needed a place to stay.  I had already known her home life was not the best, it was pretty awful, riddled with physical and emotional abuse.   The scars she carried and carries have crippled her in ways she doesn't understand.   She and her two babies took over Justin's room.   We took them in like they were ours.  I feel like that is what Jesus has called us to do.  Show his love.  I am not sure how or if it is possible for me to love that deeply and not get "too attached".    Once again, it seems as though we lost friends for taking on that responsibility.  We heard comments like..."You can't even feed your own family why would you take in 3 more"  my response was  "no one else is willing"  I won't go into the detail of what our days looked like with them here but suffice it to say we were very busy.   Last Saturday morning (5 months of living with us) she packed up and left with no warning.  She was trying to leave without seeing us or saying good-bye.  We never got to say good-bye to her girls.  I cried so hard that evening I actually became physically ill.  Renee is taking it hard as well, she felt like they were friends and can't understand how she could drop us all so quickly.   Barbara and Curtis are reacting similarly, somewhat offended and disturbed with the attitude and the willingness to walk away from God.  The little girls seem to be okay. They do talk a lot about wanting to see Annalasia and Nyemah.  




The heartbreak that we have felt twice in one year has been overwhelming to me. That I could invest so much time and energy into something. Pray so hard. See God answer in so many profound ways and to meet us in such crazy circumstances only to feel like it was all for nothing. I know that we sow the seeds and God gives the increase. I Cor. 3:7 I like the way it's worded in the NLT " It's not important who does the planting, or who does the watering. What's important is that God makes the seed grow" So, I guess I am not important in this equation. That maybe God is reserving the watering process for a different time. Some seeds take a long time to germinate and others pop right out of the ground and look like the plant they are going to become in a short amount of time. Unfortunately, some seeds never do anything, but it still took the same amount of effort to plant them all.


What now? I hope that God gives us a time of healing as a family before the next assignment and I am sure there will be a next assignment. I am praying that God would deliver to us some emotional support in the form of likeminded friends. We are attending a church in Mechanic Falls at the moment. It's a bit of a drive but the church fits our family.


Please pray for healing for our family and healing for the young mom (Raven).
Random happenings in the neighborhood 

Christmas cookie making with the neighbors

 Easter Egg hunt on our Street. We hid over 300 eggs this year and had over 20 kids come out to search for them. (I try not to take pictures of the neighbor kids if I don't know them)  We do the egg hunt and the kids come to expect certain things now in the eggs which I  am excited about. 

What's DOMA?

The stories I hear get pieced together randomly day by day.  A sentence today, a comment yesterday, a whole conversation from a month ago becomes a story after a while.
Here are some comments made in between jokes and laughter mostly at the dinner table this week.  Can  hear the hearts of these kids.  Can you get what they are saying.  

" I got a text from my brother....he said since I moved in with those white folk I've forgotten who raised my sorry ass. "  (this is the brother in jail who asked for money last month....she didn't send it)

My mom used to call me a "hoe"

At home I didn't talk.

That guy that I told you about...my mom's boyfriend that did that thing that I told you about saw me at work today, he came through my line at the store.

My auntie put fingernail polish remover in my chicken that she fed me once.

My brother beat me with a wire so bad that I was bleeding.  The teacher at school noticed I couldn't sit down.  My mom bailed him outta jail and kicked me out of the house. I was 13.

I don't know why my mom and siblings don't like me.

I didn't realize he was my father until I was much older.  I always thought he was my uncle.  But when I found out he was my father it was when he decided to choose his other family over ours.  It didn't matter cuz I never thought of him as my father.

These are just a few of the short stories that have kept me up this week.  I have many more.  More that I  don't want to write down.  Mostly because it I can't.   There is something about recording that makes it seem too real. And I am afraid of offending some of you.   I don't want to forget them.  When these kids are hard to deal with, you need to remember their story.  It puts everything in perspective.

This was the week that the court made the ruling on DOMA.  I really didn't follow it.  I was too busy cooking for kids that didn't have food, driving a kid around to school interviews that didn't have any parent that would own them, helping a young mom meet her goals for education and parenting while I was trying to show her the love of a mom,  watching little kids, rocking a baby to sleep at 3 am so her mom could sleep, making a cake for a young lady that has not had a real birthday party. Taking a young lady shopping for a church trip who's momma wouldn't give her any money (while shopping we saw her brothers at the store shopping with their mom's money....talk about a hurt kid...)  Renee was busy at Tree Street Youth training to be a street leader.  Barbara was busy helping around the house and with her little sisters so I could do all these things.   DOMA didn't seem so important.  My religious rights didn't seem so important.  God is still on His throne.