Relationship

"Living in Relationship"  I have said it and heard it so often in the last couple years.  I have come to believe it means different things for different people.  For our family it means being honest and open with each other, family and friends.  You know, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Being there no matter what.  Talking through the hard stuff and never backing off.  Laughing through the fun stuff, being together.  I have friends that for me may as well be family. Thank-you to Cindy and Jill.  Cindy for always being you and being okay with it, I can be confident with me and who I am in Christ in public because of watching you.  Thank-you Jill for teaching me that I can hurt with my friends even when they hurt more.  That it's okay to be needy and to be needed and we can do it at the same time.  Without you guys I would be a very different person.  Relationship has to be two-sided, listening and talking.  Giving and taking.  I can't stand taking without being allowed to give.   I just ran into an old friend in a grocery store, we had her son in youth group a few years back, she said to me that she used to go to church but it got weird when they were trying to help her.  All of a sudden she wasn't allowed to give back,  we should be able to receive help and invite the helper over for dinner, or to help with a project or whatever it is.  In Acts they had all things in common.  It probably made for deeper and more open relationships with each other.  No class, no poor, no male or female, no pastor or lay person....we are all just God's children gifted with what the Spirit has given us.

How does this relate with us and God our Father.   If relationship is a two way street than why do we spend so much time asking God for stuff, talking and talking and talking and not listening.  I heard a man pray over the weekend.  He went on and on.....I was thinking, do I do that.  I can't stand it when someone just talks and talks to me and doesn't stop to hear me. I may have a comment, a thought, a word of encouragement.  I might even have a joke.  I think that God has so much to say to us.  I am studying Deborah, Barak, and Jael right now.  What would have happened if Deborah would have just only asked God for deliverance and never listened to how God wanted it done and then went out on her own to do it?  Two words  "Epic Fail".

Like Deborah we all have a job to do.  God is still alive.  He is still working.  And he is still speaking.  If praying is simply talking to God, are we allowing him time to speak?
 

Been trying to post

I have been trying to post something spiritual and inspiring but all I can seem to conjure up is some exhortation to the church as a whole.  So I guess this where it is good to know what my gifts are and be thankful that exhortation, pastoring, showing mercy, and intercession are a wonderful group of gifts to have together.  So still praying for the right words and hopefully they will come soon.  Hopefully I will not verbally vomit.

But in the meanwhile......kids are doing great.  The little's are truly terrifying me everyday. Justin is simply astounding me with the man he is becoming.  (still praying he gets through college unscathed)  Renee is doing awesome and showing that she is on top of her game at school and with her friends. Barbara as well,  she is taking advanced math (pre algebra) and spanish this year.  She is in 7th grade.  She is proving to have a lot of spiritual depth that we don't to often notice because of her quiet disposition.

The house.  Working on it. Curtis is trying to get the basement winterized, a chimney in and another heat source for winter.  Thanking God that some kind souls gave us a little monetary help so we can get the project started now. (it was started last weekend)  The gas company came and hooked up a line and now we will be getting another guy over to hook it up inside in a couple weeks.

The holidays.  Looks like Justin will be bringing some people home for Thanksgiving.  They want to serve a meal somewhere downtown Lewiston for Thanksgiving.

And Social Justice for All...

So, I hesitate to write about this but I am so upset by the injustice that happens everyday to the poor of Lewiston, Maine.  White, black, immigrant, child, adult, senior, disabled....you get the idea.  This is no respecter of persons.

A week or so ago a friend of mine was trying to break up a dog fight.  Her dog was let out of her apartment by a boy who, for the sake of irony, lived in the apartment with the other dog, a pitbull.  Let's just say she suffered some pretty amazing bruising and teeth marks to her hands.  Obviously, if the pitbull wanted to cause her serious damage it would have.  This is where the "justice for all" comes in to play.  The police department was called and upon arrival at the scene starting questioning my friend.  Who is a young single mother.  I think this girl is amazing. She totally struggles with anxiety in a way that most can't even comprehend.  How do you think she reacted when the police showed up? She couldn't answer questions, she was nervous, afraid, most likely having a panic attack.  Her hand needed stitches, and not to mention she is scared of most dogs.  How do you think the police responded to her?   Well, she thought she was being accused of being on drugs.    Does the police department of Lewiston, Maine really have trouble identifying the difference between anxiety and drug use.   Please.   So the next best thing to do is send in a DHS worker without an appointment and have her look in all the rooms.  That is total justice.   I am so angry about this.  Do we lose rights because of our residence?  Do we become less human because we struggle financially? or struggle emotionally?   I can honestly say that the police would never have reacted this way on Cote St, or Strawberry Ave. 

I understand that crazy stuff happens down here all the time.   But if my friend that works in the emergency room at the hospital can look at each case and individual separate from their socio-economic status than why can't the police and DHS.   

This is not the only scenario I know of.   My husband had an issue a couple years ago and actually complained to the police chief who seemed to care.  Another instance my son was walking home from high school when a cruiser swerved close to the sidewalk hitting a mud puddle right next to him.   At the time I told him it had to be coincidence, he was trying to avoid something in the road.  Makes me wonder,  if I am ever in a bad situation will I really want the police to show up......

Moving right along onto a different but similar subject.... I'm reading Ezekiel right now so maybe some of my thoughts are coming from that place.

As Christians we are supposed to recognize injustice of all sorts.  Whether it be in Africa or outside our front window.  I think it is easier to be a part of what is going on overseas than be a part of what is happening in your backyard.   Myself included.  I send my tithe to others that are doing the work.  They need that financial support,  and it's easier for me to wipe my hands after.

We have some Muslim friends.  When someone has a need they (they, being the community) pull resources and take care of it.  There was a lady whose husband died.  The Muslim community is  financially taking care of her for the rest of her life. (not sure if it would stop if she stopped going to mosque)  Someone is hospitalized without having insurance.   Bill taken care of.   Talk about social justice.  Taking care of the sick, widows, etc..  We were talking to a fellow Christian we've known for a long time.  When he told us of a story of sick baby and the hospital bill, Curtis told him what the Muslims do.  His reaction was "huh" and changed the subject.  God has not called us to sit around on our wallets.  He has called us to give away everything.  This goes against a particular financial guys philosophy I know. 

I was thinking what if Christians were once again known by there love.  

Good-byes and Hello's

This spring and summer started with the plants we brought from our last house growing like crazy.  Blooming like they never did before,  and adding some life to a rather dreary street. The bumble bees were all over them.  Usually I am scared of the yellow and black stinging insects but not this  year.  It was a pleasant surprise to see these little endangered critters on my somewhat dark and dirty street.  I think only one flower was robbed from the front garden this year, it just happened to be the first flower of spring.

Saying good-bye to Justin in front of his dorm.  (Clark University)

college shopping

We have said a lot of good-byes this summer.  It has been difficult.  I personally, am learning to live a different way, saying good-bye to the old life in a sense.  We have experienced some figurative good-byes.  The kind you get when you know it's time to move on - wherever and whatever that means.  Each of the three older kids have said good-bye's to their schools;  Justin the high school, Renee the middle school, and Barbara the elementary school.  We have said good-by to the other Roundy family (Curtis' brother).  Curtis was able to have a visit last month with his whole family in Wisconsin as they all saw Jonathan and the gang off to Senegal.   It looks as though our elderly neighbor Fred will be leaving the building next door.  He is in his 80's.  He lives alone and last week his back hurt so bad he called the paramedics.  Evidently he fractured his spine.  I think he is looking to get into assisted living.  He is a great Christian man, it will be sad to not have him around.  The hardest and most depressing good - bye of all has been leaving Justin behind at college.  Wow, it feels like the family is broken.  I'm sure Justin doesn't feel that way, at least I hope he doesn't.

With all "good-bye's" it seems we need to ready ourselves for the "hello's".   We have spent a good amount of time getting Justin ready for college.  Preparing him physically as well as spiritually and emotionally - I hope.   A friend of ours is in charge of Intervarsity in the Northeast.  Wouldn't you know that this is the first year for Clark University.  So happy about that.   Justin will need to study hard and keep his head about him but I think he'll do fine.  He has a great dorm room, a little secluded with it's own bathroom as well as good roommates. 

My daughters must prepare for their "hello" to their new schools as well. This year will bring them lots of new experiences, frustrations, change, promise, extra curricular's, friends etc....  I'm excited for them.  I know Renee is excited to go to High School and I think Justin did a fine job paving the way for her.  His teachers loved him and always had positive comments.  Some even got in touch with him over the summer.  Although Renee is much different than Justin and interested in very different things he has given our family a name.  

As a family we are experiencing some renewed friendships from the past.  Some old friends have moved here from the coast.  As well as just hanging out with people that we haven't been around in a while.  It was one of the benefits of our homeless situation we experienced last year.  It's nice to have the familiarity of a friend who knows you and there is already a history.  The good, the bad, and the ugly!

I think it's interesting that God is always shaking things up.  We have the opportunity to sit and cry about it or move forward.  As we are saying good-bye to many things right now, (people, places, seasons), it is important to look toward the future and prepare  for what lies ahead.   I wouldn't have been a very good mom if  I had worried about getting Justin his stuff the night before he left, and tried drilling into him all the things about life and Godliness on the trip to Worcester.

As a family we are asking God what he has for us here, in this house that some say reminds them of Amity Horror.   This has been most challenging.  Should we do this or that.... just live, what are we supposed to do.   We have ideas but God directs the path.  Please join us in prayer as we navigate through this next "hello" in our lives.  Whatever it may be.

Random pictures of summer

Renee with her friends at the last dance 8th grade

Justin graduating

A day at the beach with Ang and the nephews

Renee trotting Hannah at Living Waters summer camp.  She took horsemanship

 Justin having fun one the wave board at camp, same week as Renee.

The balloon festival from our front porch.  They put them up all over the city that weekend.

Kiana deciding she had enough of Clark.

Well, the girls liked Justin's bed.

He doesn't seem nervous.  Wish he could feel my emotion for 30 seconds.

There is a park across from Clark University with these huge trees. 

I am so proud that I am raising a tree-hugger (I am serious)

veggies from garden - picked yesterday.  It was quite a heavy bag.

Barb graduating 6th grade.

Barb with all her awards. 

Relationship counseling.... parenting counselor..... hmmmmmm

With or without me life moves on. It's the interesting thing about this planet.  It really doesn't matter how I feel about myself, my surroundings, my family, my bills, my house etc....  I have the choice every morning to wake up and engage in my world or live in solitary loneliness within my own brain.

A couple months ago a friend encouraged me to revisit my intercessory roots once again after taking a brief sabbatical from praying... (waiting for lightning.. so glad God is gracious with us).  It's interesting how you view your neighbors if you are praying for them. 

Our neighbors were beginning to heat up again last night while we were trying to enjoy our nice barbecue in the yard.   It was a little difficult to hear our own conversation over the yelling so I did what every goof pseudo baptist on the verge of charismatic Christian would do.... I sent my husband up  to invite them for chicken. I wasn't going...  He was up there for almost an hour, you could here them talking and laughing.   The unnamed man said to Curtis - this isn't living.  Interesting given my previous post on Whisper-streams.   They seem very open to meeting with us and trying to get some help with their relationship and kids.  Wow, if this actually happens I'm going to need a lot more of Jesus.   Please pray for them.  There is so much more to living.  They have lots to overcome but thankfully we serve the only one that Overcomes.


This has been one crazy summer.  Every week the list gets longer.  This week is an easy week.  (I really am being serious)  Today 4th vaccine in a series of 5 for the four girls, laundry, grocery shopping, doc appt for the momma,  getting ready for Curtis' parents for the weekend.  Should be fun!

Hope deferred

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick; But when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

This verse has been coming to my mind over and over lately.

Expectations....

I had hoped to be in a different place by now.  I had hoped to be part of a  church family. I had hoped my children to have a youth group.  I had hoped to be a youth pastor until I was 80.  Like my husbands friend Pastor Von.   I had hoped for so many things for my life back when I was young and hopeful, embracing life and all that it had for me.   Some days I feel like I have a black cloud over my head following me around.   Hopefully those of you who are my friends are not put off too much by my brutal honesty, but today this is how I feel.

This verse may be better put by saying... Why do you hope for so much that may or may not happen.  What does it matter if it works out the way you want.  Don't get depressed when things don't go the way they are supposed.  I am your Father who wants to give you the desires of your heart.   You will feel alive and renewed if you let me.  

When I think of it like this I can only see green.  Green is one of my favorite color.  Green is alive, growing, new, clean,  I love Green. 

Hope deferred.  We all know what that is.  It is the man telling you thanks for all your hard work but you are no longer needed here.   It is the friends that you thought were going to be there in your life walk that chose to go a different direction.  It is teacher that doesn't see the promise in your child.  It all hurts.  But none of this is innately wrong, it is just your hope deferred.  They all have their hope deferred.

I do not want to focus on the hope deferred part but the tree of life.  That is our hope.  Jesus must have felt a tremendous, painful amount of hope deferred, but thankfully for us it didn't stop him from fulfilling the will of the Father.   So, although I may get depressed, I will not allow it to keep me in my home away from all that God has for me. 


We have had and continue to have one crazy summer.   We went to six flags to enjoy Justin and his 18th birthday.  Curtis had his 40th birthday over the weekend and some of our dearest friends were able to make.  (Perfect timing.  You know those friends that are always there in your life just not always present.  Hopefully you all have some of those friends in your life.  Those friends fit under the tree of life, God giving you the desire of your heart. )  Curtis' parents will be arriving the end of the month for a couple days - straight from Venezuela.  After that Curtis will go to Wisconsin to visit his family.  They will all be together to see off his brother who will leave for Senegal the first of August.  The kids also have camp.  Justin leaves for college the middle of August.  Ahhh, that will be a sad day for this momma.

In the middle of all this we are still getting to know our neighbors and their kids. Justin has been volunteering at Trinity Jubilee Center.  He has really enjoyed working there and meeting all the people.  His first day there found him walking an elderly lady home to her apartment.  What should have been a 10 minute walk to over 3 hours. Between carrying the groceries and her having a bad leg it sounded like he stopped every few feet for her to rest.   Justin's a good kid.  No hope deferred there!  One of my Somali neighbors is feeling a little more comfortable speaking with me.  Her English is extremely limited but her smile is contagious.

Long post, I hope I didn't bore you.

Whisper-stream

Whisper-streams, I've heard this term used quite a bit lately.  I guess it was coined from Vachss' writings.  I couldn't think of a better term for what happens on the street.   Recently a friend who comes over quite a bit said I don't notice the noise so much during the day but when I leave here late at night you can hear all the talking, yelling, street noise etc...  I guess that is the whisper-stream of the street.   It sounds so poetic, and nice.  The reality of urban life is that it is poetic, if you watch there is a flow of people going here and there, children playing, noise......



However, yesterday,  I heard the whisper-stream, it was audible.  It sounded horrific........ Around the corner the police removing a man from his home. I think, I can't be sure as I stayed away.  There were 4 cars and I am not sure how many cops.  The noise during the afternoon went something like this,  crash, yell, bang, crash, hate, thud (stuff flying over the porch).   Sirens.   Kids laughing in the parking lot, riding bikes, playing, running.  People talking as they walked pass to go the grocery store. Dinner being made.  Screaming couple, fighing over who knows what..... Oh, no the baby!  (this is when I really got the whisper - stream, or should I say whisper scream.)  If you are a parent you know this sound, the sound of your heart sinking to your stomach that has now flipped to some ungodly postition in your body.   The sound of instant despair that you know this is not good.  The sound of a little kid's head hitting a fire escape.  Quiet.  Sirens.

Yesterday,  I heard the whisper-stream for the first time.  This is what I heard.  Groaning, utterings.  Oh God, there has to more than this to life.  Oh God, where are you?  Come rescue me.    Oh God, could you possibly love me?!  What is wrong with me.  Help.   I heard this.   This was the sound on my street.

We need intercessors, we need prophets, we need workers, we need friends.  God is here right now.  We need to show them. That was the whisper-stream at my house yesterday. 


The little boy is fine, and I was able to give them some burgers for supper.   I still don't know their names.  


What is the whisper-stream on your street saying.  And what is God telling you about it.  Listen.

Can of mace and police on speed dial....

Well, not really.  I meant to buy the pepper spray but forgot.  My first night alone with the kids, and needless to say I am a bit freaked.   This is a bit more than I bargained for, one can play out all sorts of scenarios in the mind of what things are going to be like but..... living this out is a different ball game.   I literally spent almost 2 solid weeks getting woke every night ( like around 2am) with fighting, shots, more fighting, things being thrown, people crying outside my window, and more.  I have heard people say they want to move here,  I have also heard people call me crazy for living here.  Whatever ministry Jesus is calling you to you always need to count the cost and be willing deal with whatever comes your way.  I tend to say what I think, and verbally process. I don't always need advice just an ear.  Some may say get over it already you are in your house but this life is so different than anything I am used too.  Just today Renee and I were talking about how it feels like we lost a year.  When we think of last summer we need reminded, we are stuck in two years ago.  I really can't explain this feeling.  Looking through kids clothes and feeling like such a waste of a parent trying to remember what she looked like in the little blue skorts and wondering why they don't fit this summer.
Jesus said Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am meek and lowly in heart and ye shall find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  (Matt 11:29-30)  I am trying to practice this both spiritually as well as practically.






On a positive note the neighbor who I hear fighting all the time with her boyfriend (or vice versa) has now come over twice.  We haven't said much but she was willing to pick up some produce from me and also returned a bowl.  Doesn't seem like much but I haven't been able to get her to say hi up until a week ago so I was encouraged.  I buy produce from a friend who buys it from a grocery store all kinda under the table.   We call it "olduce"  -  eat up quick.  But it's free, and it's food, and otherwise produce that those of us living on food stamps wouldn't normally be able to purchase.   I hand out bags and boxes of this stuff to families down here.  I think it's an awesome way to share and get to know people.  They know I eat it and am in the same situation as them.

Family news - Justin graduated, Renee graduated middle school, and Barbara graduated elementary school.  We had an awesome party for Justin graduation and birthday.  We had about 40 people here.  It was so cool.  I guess our house has finally been christened.  On the flip side we worked until midnight almost every night last week.  This house and yard needed so much done.  The kids and I worked all day and Curtis came home from work and put all our work to shame every night. The night of the party we actually cleaned up and went to bed earlier than any other night that week.   So that being said....  I am going to try and sleep without mace but with my phone and will try and find something to make me feel safer before hitting the sack.  Maybe my barkie von schnauzer....  :)

My kid is graduating

Unreal.  People told me this day would come, and even when Justin was a junior in high school I couldn't wrap my brain around it.  Well, the day is here and I can't wrap my brain around it.  It seems like yesterday that he was sitting in the middle of the living room floor.  Just sitting, not playing, talking, moving, just taking it all in.    Life moves fast. 

I'll be picking up some gifts for graduates today.  Last year lots of kids walked past our house here on Shawmut Str.  after being recognized by their high school with no support system around them;  no aunts or uncles, no mom's or dad's, no grandparents.  It's amazing to me these kids even graduate.  It was hard enough getting Justin to care about his grades when he was a freshman and sophomore, what would've happened if he had no one around him.   A friend will be watching my little kids while we're at graduation and watching to see who walks home alone with their cap and gown.  Those kids will get a congratulation card with a little gift inside from their friends at 109 Shawmut Str.

Being Present

This morning Kiana and I sat on our front porch in the sun for a few minutes.  Our porch is a little dilapidated but functional.  The sun was nice and warm and the street was quiet for the most part.  My neighbor Bert stopped by to chat about his scooter.  He had a stroke a few years back and sat around for too long before going the hospital.  It is really quite unfortunate.  He seems like he was probably a crazy guy before his confinement to his jazzy scooter.   We talked about the weather and how warm it was, the fence that Curtis is fixing in the back yard and  how it doesn't look good (haha),  We talked about how is scooter isn't charging and that it's frustrating him.  He explained about the cord and what wasn't working with it.  He has been waiting for hours for the people to come and fix it.  You see he had an appointment with them.   I am usually nervous to talk with him, cuz he's disabled and all.   But today I was cornered, and it was okay.  I was present.  I was just there.   Bert can't speak.   As I am having this conversation with Bert, I can't help but think.... If his address was such and such Pond Rd instead of  such and such downtown lewiston apartment whatever would the scooter people have been there on time.  This is his only source of freedom.  He is a whole person confined to a finite broken body.  I like Bert, he's friendly.  God loves Bert.

Sunday night we had our little meeting here.  One of the neighbors came with her little girl.  We grilled hotdogs, the kids played and the adults talked.  We didn't do anything "spiritual" but I think that was okay.

This weekend we will have a houseful with Curtis' brother's family visiting for Justin's graduation.   I can't believe I have a kid graduating high school.  Tonight there is an awards banquet.  Not sure what Justin is getting but it is nice that he is being recognized.

So this week I want to practice being present.
Present for Justin's festivities
Present for our family that will be leaving soon for Senegal
Present for our neighbors
Present for our girls who are watching their brother starting to fly away

To me this means open, alert, attentive, listening, taking it in, feeling it deeply, allowing the emotions to rise, putting aside myself - it is about others.

WWJD?

Here's the rundown....

7am - notice two Dr. Pepper cans in the backyard left from our neighbors.  Neighbor lady yelled at me for dumping water on her cat.  (the cat marks my backyard)

8am - doing dishes, turn around to put something away and when I turned back around there was a tall man looking at me through my kitchen window.    What would Jesus do??  I'll tell you what I did.  I screamed at him through the window and told him to get out of my yard.  Then I ran out side and yelled at him again that this was my house and he needed to leave.  I was screaming... my throat hurt after.   Guess my adrenaline kicked in. (the guy wanted the Dr. Pepper cans)

9:30 am - left with Curtis (he in his truck and me in my car) to drive to Dresden to help him put in a kitchen top.  We were going to have lunch together because this was going to be quick and easy.  The little's were in my car with no a/c.  It took crazy long,  and I was late getting the girls from school.  My phone died on the way back so I couldn't call them.  And..... I left with two pieces of the kitchen in the back of my car.

3:15pm  - I picked up Barb and Renee and Renee informed me that dad called and I needed to turn around and meet him somewhere with the other two pieces of the kitchen.

4pm - I sat in the sun in my backyard for  few minutes while waiting for Curtis to call me to inform me when to leave and noticed  a wide open poopy diaper sitting right by me.  Not one of ours.  Apparently, our neighbors hate me cuz they didn't have the courtesy to close the diaper up before throwing it out of the window.

4:15pm - leave again, drop Barb off for a Sea Dogs game (she won an essay contest through D.A.R.E.)
met Curtis in Monmouth with the kitchen pieces.

5pm - tried to pick Justin up from school but he already was home

sometime after 5 - some kid was going to pee over my fence into my yard.

from there on we started supper, it needed to be good tonight.  Roasted Asparagus, steak on the grill, and  fried potatoes and chives (also on the grill).  After dinner - a walk to the ice cream shop with the 3 girls and Justin.  Overall a good end to a bad day.

Lots of lessons to be learned.  I hope that I can learn one or two.

Meanwhile a friend of mine's husband was hospitalized and I felt bad that I wasn't here to sit with her at the hospital.  I did pray for them today while sitting for hours in the car. So I guess all was not lost.

Note: 5 minutes after posting this...... well, I started up the stairs and I'll just sum it up in one word.  BAT
another great ending to a well, for lack of a better word, interesting day.

things that make you go hmmm....

So, this week a little boy was found in South Berwick, dead.   Who was he, what happened..... Now we know.  So sad that this can happen.  What is even more sad for me is that either there were no warning signs or no one dared interfere.   I find it hard to believe that she didn't strike a chord with anyone from Texas to Maine. 

As human beings, what has happened that we have become so busy in our lives that we forget there is a world of people around us.  Too busy, too tired, too this, too that.   Can we not take the time to look at those people that cross our path, ask the Holy Spirit if he's doing anything, if he wants us to join him.  We are Christians are we not.  Do we not have an eternal hope of glory seared on our soul.  We work for 70 years we have eternity with Jesus.  Let's think about that for a minute.  If we only had to work 70 minutes a day, or 70 hours in a lifetime we would think that was pretty okay.  Get where I'm going with this....in light of eternity it doesn't seem so long.    I understand tired.  I have 5 kids, and a drier that is not working, and it has rained for the past 40 days with not a glimmer of sun.... But let's take time to see people, talk to the person on your street, ask the woman in the grocery store why she is crying - can you help. ( be prepared if she says yes, it will take time.)   Look around and don't miss opportunities.  You will be tired and you will be blessed. 

A couple days ago we set the kids to doing the supper dishes and watching the littles so us big kids could go for a leisurely evening stroll.  We came across a poor unsuspecting young father and said - "hey how's it going"  he was on his second floor porch wondering which idiots were messing in his flower garden.  His answer was - don't ask, putting kids to bed and then I have to do dishes.   So, Curtis said, we'll do them.  (little did we know they had guests for dinner)  I washed and Curtis dried.  We got to visit with some great people and help them out in the process.  (we may have visited too long, not sure...)  Anyways, it was fun and we were blessed.

We are humans and I think we are all intertwined in this crazy thing called life. 

Prayer - you have not because you ask not

I haven't written much this week.  I'm kinda tired, depressed, and am just trying to keep my head above water with all the crazy end of the school year my kid is graduating from high school stuff.

Intercession, prayer, talking to God..... These are things I used to do on a regular basis when I was involved with church and ministry.  Prayer was a big thing.  Curtis used to say God listened to me.  I had a connection. Over the last couple years my gifting I felt has diminished.  I still pray for people God still talks to me when I pray for people, but it has become harder to listen.  Like when you have friend you're a little ticked off at.

I'm trying to pray for my neighbors on a regular basis.  They are so broken.  Like the little 4 year old boy that called me a "bitch" yesterday.  Wow, did I let him know that was not okay, and his brother, and if his dad had been there he would've gotten an earful.  If it happens again,  his dad will get an earful.  But, I cannot lose sight that it is not his fault.  What happens that at the age of 4 he even knows that word.  I'm  quite sure my kids hadn't even heard of that word, except for maybe when we were watching the Westminster Dog Show on Animal Planet.   Then my mind goes back to God while I'm trying to pray and be good.  But God, you put us here.  This is your fault, or doing, or gift, I'm not sure yet.....  How bad is that.

I pray for crazy weird things and get them.  It freaks me out sometimes.  Things I've prayed for and recieved: pound of starbucks coffee, $5k, shirts, pants etc.....  It's like I want to buy something and I just say, before God I can't spend my money on this right now.  Sometimes things show up on my doorstep.  Well, we have a 22" tv/computer monitor.  My 40 year old eyes are having a hard time watching it.  On Monday I prayed and asked God for a 26" tv that would fit in our computer case for free.  On Wednesday Curtis brought one home from the job he's been at, much nicer than the last one.  This is a 1080pi sony bravia.  I didn't even ask for a 1080pi.   I also received a glass cocktail table, and two very nice pillows.

If God is willing to give me this stuff that I ask and don't ask for,  how much more does he want to give in our community things that we are not asking.   I challenge all of you to look around and ask God to fix even the smallest things you see in your community.  Everything you see, everything the Holy Spirit prompts you. Ask!

My Heart is Full

I know I will not be able to communicate well what I have experienced in the last few days from my little corner of the world but I will try.  I may go back and edit this post in the morning when I am more awake but I wanted to write while I was thinking about it.

My heart is full of emotion for my street, the people, there lives... These very people that drive me mad on a daily basis and they don't even know my name.   I am stuck here most days.  Curtis gets to go to work.  He is much better with people than I.  He tends to have more grace and mercy for those that probably get little.   

Here goes..... It seems like it has rained for days.  Yesterday was so warm.  The pellet stove was off for a full 24 hours.  The first time since October.  Yeah.  The girls wore shorts and of course rubber boots.  So of course I let them play in the dirty, gross, litter ridden mud puddles in the parking lot across from our house.  What was I supposed to do.  Clean and fill the little plastic pool when what they really wanted to do was play in the mud.  Anyways,  this gives the phrase "Livin' in the Lew"  new meaning!  They are so adorable and Anaya was so excited that she had permission to do this, usually she gets yelled at and Kiana is happy to do whatever her older sister is doing.

For over a week we had this truck sitting right in front of our house.  You know, the road is not off limits for whomever wants to park....  Anyways, this truck was filled with trash, stuff that actually looked like it may have come from our old house.  You can see the front of this truck in this picture.  I was so frustrated about this stupid truck.  Monday night the guy came late like 11pm, and drove off. I was so excited but that was short lived as he returned less than 5 minutes later. Parked and drove off with his girlfriend.  Hellooooo! People live here, with kids, and groceries, and garbage, (thank-you very much they didn't pick it up cuz they couldn't see it past your stupid truck) and a front door that works with a back door that is on it's last leg.   You get the picture.  So what do you do... You embrace it.  You take a picture, document your feelings and let your kids play in the mud.

He came back on Thursday started the truck and then took the keys back out and left.  I was getting beyond grumpy.  Finally, later, after a week and a half of looking at that horrible truck.....he left!

Today in this very same parking lot an angry man came driving through with his truck, making sure to kick up as much dirt and mud as possible while making his statement.  I was about to make my statement to him.  You see I had my kids outside as did many other parents this evening.  I was getting ready to go see Renee perform in a play she was in and was getting the littles in the car.  I was quite irritated at him for being so reckless as I was leaving I stopped at the stop sign and looked out my window only to notice him hugging his little boy tightly while the boys mom looked on waiting for him to be handed over. (as did many of mom's neighbors who were waiting in the street -watching)I now understood his frustration.  The brokenness around here is incredible.  What about that family who cares for them. Who will be there for the little boy, for the mom, and yes, the dad too.  We are definitely hands and feet around here.  Now, I understand that this is just my take on it.

Let's end on a happy note and pretend no bad things happen around here.  Kiki is so cute!

Now it's time for me to check the locks and go to bed.  I won't pretend for too long that bad things don't happen around here.
                                                                                                                                                              

Beauty

Basilica of St. Peter and Paul is in the heart of downtown Lewiston.  It's beautiful!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It has been a long winter here in Lewiston.  People are getting a little edgy, a little depressed, and yes some may be a lot depressed.   A friend said tonight, (in the context of being tired and the long winter), if it's not bad enough that we've had a long winter - it's hard to find beauty in this city.   Well, that may be true.  But one needs to look for it.   They need to look through the addict who throws his needles out the window and to the guy who has devoted his life to addiction counseling.  They need to look through the trashed filled yards to the yard that is meticulously kept planted with perennials.  They need to look past the young people fighting, swearing wearing 42's when they should be sporting a 29 to the old couple that has sat on that same porch for over 50 years watching their street, their block and their city change before them.

Today is Good Friday.  Jesus walked a road that no one would have chose to free a people that only he could love.   What better way to spend this day then reflecting on all that I see on my block and all that Jesus had done for me,  for them.   Who am I to judge anyone's downfalls.  I am here to serve, learn, grow and be Jesus to someone that needs to meet him.  

On Sunday we'll be putting out over 260 Easter eggs for the kids on our block.  I hope they show up.  I'm not sure if we'll be here or not, we may be at church.  But I hope that some of these kids will feel Jesus love them even if it is taking a bite of a chocolate or placing a well meaning sticker on their parents wall.  Yes, I hope even the over developed young girl that I observed warning a very young girl away from her older boyfriend can be a child on Easter and partake in the frivolous adventure of an egg hunt.

My friend told me today that I need to start interceding for these neighbors of mine that seem to drive me crazy at times.  So I thought you may like to join in......
Please keep in prayer the young couple who just had a baby and also have  a toddler.  He yells a lot and she is quiet.  Pray for the drug dealer,  the disabled couple, the alcoholic, the new couple with the new baby that just moved in - that they won't get caught up in the drama.... these are just some of those we are here to serve and never would have thought of a year ago.  It is for them that Jesus walked that road of agony.

A Good Work

As I get older I feel that I am becoming more immovable in my ideals, beliefs, and I suppose this is what constitutes the essence of who I am.   Take me or leave me. 

I love the whole book of Philippians.  Thank's Marv for making us memorize it in Bible School.  It just makes sense the way Paul moves through his theme woven throughout the book.  It was my first real experience with memorizing a passage that made more and more sense as I became more and more familiar with it.   I particularly love the first chapter.  It is so personable, kind, and just overall spoken with love to the people on his heart.

I love this city, even though......the job is huge......the people are shall I say sometimes confrontational, loud, messy, friendly, smiley, playful, unaware...(but aren't we all)

I cleaned my yard last Friday, and guess what?  I have greening grass.  Sweet!


My heart and soul have been up and down these last couple weeks.  It has been constant hard work for me without a break.  I am still not unpacked and have no plans to be for a while. The little's are very busy playing, fighting, destroying, crying, eating, eating, eating.... I find myself searching the house for that smell that i can't quite identify, usually to no avail.  There are meals to make, kids to drive, homework to help with (although I'm sorry to say I think my kids are surpassing my intellect!)  People to chase out of the yard, lessons to teach the thieving children(God bless their little souls.... :)  If you've ever lived in a tribal situation you get what I am saying.  It's a free for all out here!

You may wonder if I am happy to be in my house, on my street living here in the downtown - ABSOLUTELY!  I wouldn't have it any other way, but however,  I may have a touch of culture shock!  I would expect this in the jungle of Venezuela but not so much in the jungle of Lewiston.

Anyways, keep my rants in perspective please.....  Now to Philippians - my thought for today

 ³ I thank my God every time I remember you. ⁴ In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy ⁵ because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, ⁶ being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
 ⁷ It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart and, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me. ⁸ God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.
 ⁹ And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, ¹⁰ so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, ¹¹ filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

Thanks to Curtis I have a real appreciation for all that labor in this town.  There are so many great churches of all different denominations working together for the same goal of reaching the lost.  In so doing people are getting fed, children are getting loved, parents are getting counsel, homes are getting repaired, people are getting jobs,  relationships are forming and so on and so forth. 

He who has started a good work in me will see it through until completion.  (hopefully my house as well..  hahaha)


Here is just a taste of the good work going on my home.  It was so special that I just couldn't help but take a little video and share it with you all.

What you don't see......

What I don't see inside my house

junk
trash
dirty diapers from my dear neighbor next door
filth
crap...literally...in my backyard
not mine
I take care of my own stuff

The over developed little girl hanging out with boys almost twice her age.
The underdeveloped little boy next door who can't speak a sentence, wearing diapers and he's over 4.
The woman who is always getting yelled at by her boyfriend.  She has a toddler and a brand new baby.
The person who stole my plywood and in so doing may have caused a wonderful God fearing woman to slip in the mud and go to the emergency room.
The broken family on the corner who walk their kids to school everyday.  They no longer love each other but live together for the kids.
The hungry kid who only eats at school.
The kid that walks to school everyday abandoned by those who are supposed to care for him.
The man who walks through my yard looking for bottles that are thrown there by my neighbors.  So kind of them to take care of their own poor.  Now he looks in my window because I gave him my bottles one day after hollering at him for going through the trash in my yard put their by others. (at least that day I was paying attention)

What is my problem?

My mind is spinning with what used to my life and what is my life today.  What do I need, what do I want.

Seriously, would you want to hang out here.
It looks dark, and muddy, and dead.  But soon in just a few short weeks the grass will be green, our plants will be budding and life will be popping up all around us.  It's there under the dirty diapers, under the walmart bags, under the green tarp, under the ice, mud and snow.   If you look you can see.  If you dig you may even find signs of life.  But don't be too rough you  may ruin it.  (hmmm I think there is another lesson in there...)


Time to look out your window and maybe step outside the comfort zone of your home and maybe your life.  

Time for me to clean my yard!

Reality Strikes

Wow what a week.  If this is any indication of what is too come I need to  get a better seatbelt.  Sunday was a normal day.  We went to church in the morning, maple syrup Sunday in the afternoon and then in the evening we had our normal Nacho's and worship night.   More of our friends, past and present, were able to join us and it was such a sweet time for us as we are getting more used to our new home.  Curtis read Psalm 70 and we had worship, and as usual the kids ran around crazy.  This week and I use that term loosely seeing as it is only Wednesday, we have fed people, I have been dealing with 2 very crazed littles, meetings, migraine, company, someone stole our "mud covering" from our backyard (plywood that we walked on so as not to track too much mud in the house)- Believe it or not that was most upsetting.  I also didn't get my recyclables picked up for the 3rd time.  My trash has only been removed once.  Over the last few months I've called 5 times about trash. My car sounds like it's playing the flute - not sure what that means.....We lost power last night when an apartment building caught fire a block away.  6 families were displaced last night and lost all their stuff.  So sad.

This table has fed an additional 13 people this week and it's only Wednesday.  Tonight I received a call from a friend that is in human services.  She had another friend that was a caseworker of a family that just moved here and didn't have any food.  I didn't have any food or any money to give them but I did have dinner and Praise God they actually came over and ate it.  They had the most beautiful baby girl. So precious. I told the caseworker that we don't have much but we are always willing to share a meal or help in any way we can.  I think she kept my number.  Very exciting.  We've only been here 2 weeks.  
We had a very normal Saturday last weekend.  What a breath of fresh air to be a family.  I went grocery shopping and the kids did yard work and got muddy.  It was awesome. Later that night  Curtis, Justin and I saw Phil Keaggy, He has got to be the my all time favorite.

On a more personal note we were able to get away 2 weekends ago to Bar Harbor.  I have never actually stayed there and it is beautiful.  This was our first beach day of 2011.   We drove around the cove the long way and came across this pretty little beach.  The kids had been in the car for a while so they were happy to get out and run. There was this funny dog that wanted to play fetch but didn't want you to touch him. Curtis was being goofy and it was so nice to play as family.  I would encourage you all to think the next time you see a family going through a hard time what that could mean and how that plays out in just the ordinary parts of life.  I try to stop and think about this now when I see people.  Today I say an elderly man ask me for a cigarette from across the street through hand motions.  I was in my car driving.  Kinda funny but what a life that man must have.

Kiana is so funny and such a cutie.

LHS jazz band. Justin is 3rd from the left sporting a ponytail. He played 3 solos, and is really liking the improv.

Well the whole reason for our visit to Bar Harbor was the  Lewiston High School jazz band was in a competition at the local high school.  We decided to go because we hadn't been able to be apart of the things he is involved in this year.  It was the same weekend he was to get an award for his oil self portrait but he choice to go to the jazz competition.  He has come so far with his clarinet. I'm proud of his progess,  he really enjoys jazz.  He has even purchased a record player and listens to Benny Goodman.   So, thank-you Justin for a fun filled weekend,  and thank-you LHS jazz for giving us the excuse to take a little weekend away.

So As By Fire

 Look how the wood is being overtaken with the flames.  It submits to the fire and becomes part of the whole picture.  In the midst of it's destruction it causes joy for the people around it.

 

Psalm 66

 ¹Make a joyful noise unto God, all ye lands:
 ²Sing forth the honour of his name: make his praise glorious.
 ³Say unto God, How terrible art thou in thy works! through the greatness of thy power shall thine enemies submit themselves unto thee.
 ⁴All the earth shall worship thee, and shall sing unto thee; they shall sing to thy name. Selah.
 ⁵Come and see the works of God: he is terrible in his doing toward the children of men.
 ⁶He turned the sea into dry land: they went through the flood on foot: there did we rejoice in him.
 ⁷He ruleth by his power for ever; his eyes behold the nations: let not the rebellious exalt themselves. Selah.
 ⁸O bless our God, ye people, and make the voice of his praise to be heard:
 ⁹Which holdeth our soul in life, and suffereth not our feet to be moved.
 ¹⁰For thou, O God, hast proved us: thou hast tried us, as silver is tried.
 ¹¹Thou broughtest us into the net; thou laidst affliction upon our loins.

 ¹²Thou hast caused men to ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water: but thou broughtest us out into a wealthy place.
 ¹³I will go into thy house with burnt offerings: I will pay thee my vows,
 ¹⁴Which my lips have uttered, and my mouth hath spoken, when I was in trouble.
 ¹⁵I will offer unto thee burnt sacrifices of fatlings, with the incense of rams; I will offer bullocks with goats. Selah.
 ¹⁶Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul.
 ¹⁷I cried unto him with my mouth, and he was extolled with my tongue.
 ¹⁸If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me:
 ¹⁹But verily God hath heard me; he hath attended to the voice of my prayer.
 ²⁰Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me.

I have been thinking about fire lately.  My brother was messing around with my camera over the summer and took these amazing pictures of our campfire.  I have found myself super intriqued  with the beauty of what he was able to capture.

I did a bible search of "so as by fire"  because that is what I've felt like lately.  I know most schools of thought would be that passage is for our works at the judgment seat, but I think application can be made in the present.  It is through the testing of fire that we can come out purified.  I feel as though I am stronger and more passionate about the mission God is calling us to here on earth.  But fire is hot and not pleasant when you stand too close, or burn yourself.  The last 9 months and even still now have been very hot.   We are still going through the fire in our finances, family, ministry etc...  But just like the beauty in the picture, there is beauty in the trial and we cannot lose sight of the beauty when our emotions seem to take over.

Before and After

Before - the windows were all broken out,
the roof was caving into the bathroom, the porch was falling down, the sills were rotting out,  and
I'm sure I'm forgetting somethings.






                    After......                  

Before - center stairs directly in front of the front door.

what is now the living area,  there is a pellet stove in the corner now.

 this would be the area through the door to the left of the stairs that no longer exist.

after - no stairs

And here we have the before and after of the kitchen.  Keith Cochran was gracious to build me one before he left to go home a week ago Saturday.

dining area

girls room before

not a very good pic but you can kinda get the idea.  The stairs were located where I took the pic from

 The last month has been a whirlwind.  We left one house and moved in with another family for almost a month.  Curtis worked crazy crazy hours.  The stress of the last few months has caught up with us and we are just plain worn out and tired.  I go to bed tired, wake up tired and desire naps everyday. 

Curtis is working now and it looks as though he has work through the summer.  Hopefully we'll be able to save and budget now that we are in our house and not spending every penny of ours plus all those other pennies that God blessed us with during the course of the last several months.  

I can't even explain to you all the emotional roller coaster we have been riding.  Just today I dropped Barbara off for strings rehearsal and quickly realized this wasn't the fall but the spring.  I have lost a year. It makes my heart so sad to realize the kids have been going through this for 9 whole months. The crazy up and downs of this transition is something that you just can't explain you would need to experience it.  Going from a decent home in a decent neighborhood to a condemned house in a rough neighborhood in and of itself presents lots of internal conflict.  I think it was much easier to talk about living downtown and ministering to the poor all those years than actually doing it and becoming poor.  I am learning lots about the church in relationship to the poor neighborhood.  I am experiencing conflicts that I never would have needed to experience before.   I used to use the "us and them" language.  Well, guess what,  I am now the them.  I am having to check my heart continually with that type of thinking as I still have the same mentality but it is unfortunately reversed.  

I want to be a person that can bridge the gap between rich and poor. 
I want to always empathize even when I have correction to give.  I can't think of a time when an empathetic ear has not been welcomed. 
I want to be able to feed,  laugh, pray, and worship with people.  

There is much joy in being in my own space again, but I can also say there has been a little heartache.  I wish you were all here to share in our excitement  and to minister here with us.  Thank-you all so much for making this week a reality for us.   We are far from done, there is still much to do but for now the 2nd floor electrical , the stairs, the 3rd floor, window trim, and all the other things that take time and work are going to have to wait

Things that have happened in the 3 days we've been here:

• due to the Androscoggin Bank Colisee and people not wanting to pay for parking (even though they had enough to pay for their night out) they graciously chosen our little dead end street to park in, apparently they see no need to allow us that live here the oppurtunity to park on our own street or even be able to turn around....Very frustrating. (this has happened twice)  

• The police have shown up to our neighbors - I was wishing it was my drug dealing neighbors but that was a no go
• I was able to talk to some neighbors that we used to visit with in the ice cream shoppe
• Someone put bread in my car this morning.....